Symbolism

This video was once described to me as "borderline racist". Keep an eye out for that later on, but in the mean time do try to enjoy some entertaining looking individuals and a level of symbolism that gives the entire genre of popular music a bad name. You certainly aren't going to lose sight of the main theme of Toto's Africa any time soon:



0:21 I never realised Toto was a side project for Chas out of Chas & Dave. Funny what you learn isn't it?
0:25 Now he looks more like a bearded Jimmy Nail. That might explain the falsetto at least, not to mention the absence of hammering away on the old Joanna.
0:28 Note presence of apparently civilised person of African origin. It doesn't get any better.
0:33 Spinning globe. Where will it stop? Can you guess?
0:44 I swear that is a young Stephen King. Or perhaps a weird homosexual tennis playing hybrid of Sir Cliff Richards and Billie Jean King.
0:52 And that is clearly Graeme Souness, showing a nifty way with a maraca.
0:57 Christ alone knows what he's come as. I can't get any closer than a physically handicapped Kevin Keegan.
1:03 Oh hang on, that's Keegan just there. So who the hell is the keyboard player?
1:09 The answer to the globe question posed earlier is, shockingly enough, "Africa".
1:10 Speaking of which, can you guess what the book they are standing on is called?
1:52 Now it's just starting to get ever so slightly dubious with the arrival on the scene of an unclothed black leg. Do bear in mind the headline "King Latifa returns for his Queen" as you view the rest of this video.
2:15 What could that be? Are we about to see a considered depiction of modern African society and the continuing integration of African-American culture into the mainstream?
2:18 Quick burst of Souey's falsetto before we return to that question.
2:47 It turns out the mysterious figure outside is, quite literally, a spear-chucker. The mind boggles.
2:49 In case you had forgotten, we are talking about Africa here.
2:54 Try searching under "A", big man.
3:06 Answer to second trivia question: the book is called "Africa". I'm afraid I can't tell you what it's about.
3:11 The book Chas/Jimmy is searching for is, amazingly, also entitled "Africa". I can't help feeling there is a certain degree of overkill here.
3:12 Yup, he's a spear-chucker. Presumably in a contemporary undate of this video Toto would cast a short fat black man with a toothbrush moustache in military uniform.
3:13 There is no way that spear has embedded itself in the wall. Very shoddy.
3:18 What the fuck kind of reaction shot is that? I don't think I've ever seen anyone as expressionless as Chas/Jimmy at that moment.
3:19 Souey, on the other hand, looks fit to kill. They've clearly chosen the wrong front-man for this video and Souey's out to show them how wrong they were.
3:24 Keegan now looking more like Leo Sayer, and should have stood on a box for this shot as he is clearly too short to see through that gap properly.
3:27 Just another quick reminder that we're dealing with Africa in this song.
3:51 Yup, it's certainly Africa we're talking about. There will be a test at the end.
3:56 They've run out of ideas by this point very obviously. Unless we were meant to be so shocked by the original spear-chucking/stack of books toppling that the director thought we needed to see it again. Personally I think the point was made first time.
4:09 Quick change into white clothing for the David Brent pose there.
4:13 Are you ready for that test yet. First question begins "What continent..."

Raaargh!!!

As a friend said to me in an email: "I've heard there will be a new Star Trek movie (or prequel), I hope that it's as good as this". It's certainly pretty intense.



0:05 Ok so I get that Kirk's only just realised that this is going to be a pretty tough opponent, but seriously, Jim, what sort of opponent did you think that stick you've just thrown away *would* be any use against? A termite? Some kind of marshmallow being?
0:14 On the subject of sticks, why is the lizard man chucking his away? There's still enough there to do some considerable damage. But we're just getting started.
0:18 Note the lack of pace of the lizard man's punches.
0:19 The chop may work in karate, WWE and against Roger Moore's James Bond but it just ain't cutting it on planet Tharg.
0:28 Holy shit where did that come from? Last thing we saw the lizard man was punching at the pace of a group of truculent drinkers being asked to finish up and leave - next thing you know he's gone Jackie Chan on Kirk's leg.
0:30 Again, note the distance Kirk travels when thrown. Approximately 2 metres.
0:46 I'm guessing here that he's going for the bite but that costume limitations preclude a mouth that opens on the lizard man. Thus we are left with this gay wrestling scene. Maybe frottage is a martial art in the future.
0:58 That's just not going to hurt anyone.
1:01 What the... now I see how much damage Kirk's done by boxing the lizard man's ears I start to wonder how he got so little success with the savage chopping he administered just seconds earlier.
1:04 I've seen that lizard move and it ain't quick. Why didn't you just leg it before, Kirk? Or indeed use the phaser that has clearly been strapped to your waist all through this fight.
1:09 Still in pain from the ear boxing it would seem.
1:19 Nothing to add hear that the footage doesn't say for itself.
1:25 Great reaction shot. You mean... the rock... didn't kill it? Noooooh!
1:50 Look I'm not going to use the word "polystyrene" here. You know all that stuff and it's been said before. But if the lizard man can lob that, ahem, boulder all the way up that rocky outcrop, how come it could only throw Kirk 2 metres earlier on? Honestly the inconsistency is very upsetting.
1:55 Any foe that can be evaded simply by breaking into a gentle jog is, I'm afraid, not one I'm likely to have nightmares about.

Mullet over

So here we are with a new look in the new year. Delving in to the bottomless pit of aged crap on YouTube and adding sarky commentary to the videos; could there be a better way to pass the time? Yes. But this is the one I've chosen.



Let's kick off with an Australian effort to demonstrate that it wasn't just the Yanks who could pull of bemulleted soft rock crap in the 80s. Though they might have done better with a budget greater than that of the local school nativity play.
0:20 What is that man on the lower step dressed as? A cockroach? Never mind, you won't be seeing him again.
0:25 Get ready for a massive leap off that ledge, with red leatherette trenchcoat flowing.
0:26 Oh.
0:33 Take it nonchalantly this time pal.
0:38 The mullet in all its glory for the first time. Check out the length, and straggliness.
0:47 Cost of explosion: $4.
1:18 Is that chap in the background dying? If not, what the fuck *is* he doing?
1:34 Where on earth did that come from? And is it the least impressive car crash in the history of moving pictures? Answers: a car yard on the Parramatta Road, and yes.
1:41 Yes! We are the champions!
2:05 Gratuitous inclusion of karate. It was the 80s.
2:30 First sighting of another band member (I'm surprised they agreed to be included at all) and *of course* he's bouncing in a harness.
2:32 Calm down big guy! You'll lose your hair.
2:54 Who *are* those chicks anyway?
3:15 A piece of facial "acting" worthy of the great Hoff or even a Saint-era Roger Moore eyebrow.
3:18 Holy shit! Two for one up the Parramatta Road obviously.
3:23 Well that was an extremely unconvincing stunt I must say.
3:26 Honestly girls, it's worthless. Leave it behind.